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[07 Sep 2004|06:15pm] |
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music |
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foredirelifesake - four letter lie |
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we're growing up, the rain remains on the branches of the trees that will someday rule the earth. and it's good that theres rain, it clears the month of your sorry rainbow expressions. it clears the streets of the silent audience.. before we can dance.
last night I fell asleep with two blankets wrapped around me tight as could be. partly because of the freezing air that came from an open window, partly to fill the void that remains. I imagined I was being held in a meaningful someone's arms. awaking with one on the floor I realised that this is how it's supposed to be.
today I went to crow's nest and bought Converge - "Unloved and Weeded Out", Morrissey - "Bona Drag", The Cure - "Staring at the Sea", Remembering Never - "She Looks so Good in Red". then I went to the mall in search of an Against Me! cd, FYE was all out and Sam Goody didn't have any in stock either. so I got Terror - "One with the Underdogs". I'm going back thursday to pick up the new Death Threat. maybe I can find an Against Me! cd too.
today wasn't that bad.
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[07 Sep 2004|02:46am] |
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mood |
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awake |
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music |
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you and I - seascape |
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I've realised that all that lies in my future are lots of cats and cancer.
I'm going to live alone in a tiny little apartment with lots of cats.. then I'm probably going to die of cancer because it always works out that way. and I'll die alone. so if you want to take care of my cats, please let me know.
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[06 Sep 2004|09:34pm] |
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mood |
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apathetic |
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music |
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jawbreaker - I love you so much it's killing us both |
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sometimes you just have to give up.
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[06 Sep 2004|03:04pm] |
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mood |
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indifferent |
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music |
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you and I - hearts divide |
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I've got a really bad feeling about things.
I slept until three today.
and it was the first day that I really didn't care if I ever woke up.
I feel like I keep trying to tell people things and they just keep ignoring me. with every voicemail I leave people that I never get back, with every message I leave and never get back. this time it's not just one person it's everyone. it's funny because I can post about something really stupid and random and get like 10 comments and my most important entries keep going overlooked.
sometimes I wish I could forget about you and I.
and sometimes I wish I could just mean a little more to you so that you would just listen to me.
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[05 Sep 2004|08:42am] |
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music |
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minus the bear, get me naked 2: electric boogaloo |
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the world is sleeping and I am not.
I'm feeling more alone than I've ever felt before.
I'm alone and now I know it.
I feel really tired but I cannot, I will not sleep.
I think and overthink things too badly.
then I mangle each and every thought which leads to me feeling something completely different. I overthink that and come up with all these emotions and all these feelings that are hitting me at once. happy, sad, relieved, miserable... lonely. it's taking a massive fucking toll on my body.
I get the reassurance I need in a voice over the phone. a voice that everytime I hear I need to hold back tears, I'm not even sure why since we figured out everything we both needed, but it just happens. I start to think again.
everything I wanted to ask comes back to mind and then I start overthinking things.
eventually I'll mangle those thoughts too.
I'll be sad again until we talk again.
this song reminds me of the last few days we were together and how surreal it was. how we felt like nothing could touch us and that everything would be okay until we could be together again. how the only thing I wanted to do the last night was watch you sleep. to memorize every single thing I loved about you. how extremely happy seeing you so happy made me. how everything feels lost now.
"try to get some rest, count back 1 from 10.
you've gone to long without sleep,
I know you won't rest stressed so give up just give up.
outside the 5 sounds like the ocean
relax don't keep your eyes open"
I'm not sure why, it just reminds me so much of us being together.
I guess it's because I didn't want to sleep once when I was there, I wanted to be with you and take in as much of you as I could the whole time and you had to tell me to sleep more than once.
I'm so fixated on memories and maybe that's what's doing this to me, but that's all I have left of you and I can't give it up.
I'm sorry for sounding so obsessed with this, but I can't help it.
I could talk to anyone right now and get every little frustration, every emotion, every tear out and everything would be okay. but then something switches and I'm a wreck again. it was said in the conversation we were having.. "I feel lonely even when I'm with people," and I guess that's the only way I can describe it. knowing that the best thing I ever had was left back with a couple of band shirts, my lip balm and the only hands I ever want to hold sucks a whole lot of shit. I'm regretting every night I didn't hold you as tight as I could and every fake-out kiss.
I'm the only one that can help me right now and I don't even have that. I feel like I lost myself somewhere between here and july. I guess I just need to look for the pieces before I put together the puzzle.
atleast I know I'm not the only one thinking about this all the time.
I want to be happy again.
I want this lump out of my throat and this second boulder off my chest.
I'm my own worst enemy right now.
and my memories may as well kill me.
I wish reggie would tour again, I think that could make me happy.. temporarily.
oh my godzilla, I'm rambling like the over-tired idiot I am.
it's almost nine.. maybe I can atleast shut my eyes and pretend everything is okay and maybe I'll fall asleep.
comment and tell me something great, please. it'd mean a lot.
it's pathetic because the shorter I want these posts to be the longer and longer they get.
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